@me_all_over: Spank me once, shame on you. Spank me twice, now we're getting somewhere.

@pakalupapito: sleeping is nice because ur not actually dead and ur not awake so its a win-win situation

@jaelteon: interviewer: do you have any experience in a leadership role? me: well, I am the group admin for a WhatsApp group

@TheSnideOne: What I say: "Does anyone need anything from the store?" What I mean: "I'm off to smoke a bowl in my car so I can deal with all of you."

@RowdyBowden: We're gathered here today to mourn the loss of Derek. His last words were "Watch me try and keep my eyes open while sneezing!"