99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
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I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
[yelp review]
Chernobyl, 1/5 stars
weird ambiance, barely any night life. squirrels have laser eyes
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
Let’s play a game. You go hide. And I’ll go take a nap.
Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
* flips hair, potato chip falls out *
I wondered why I didn’t find any Easter eggs in my garden.
#EasterBunny #Easter #AmazingFacts #RubbishJoked #DadJokes
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
Me: I can’t wait for this pandemic to be over so I can go back to hanging out in person with friends, visiting relatives, showering every day…
Her: Nothing is stopping you from showering every day now.
Me: Do you even hear how crazy you sound right now?
relationship goals
Listening to the snow getting plowed outside my window and so jealous
*strums guitar*
This is a little ditty I’ve been working on called “Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies”
Hope you like it.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”
If I have to bless 3 or more of your sneezes, it’s an exorcism at that point. Sorry but you’re on your own.
me: i will have the chicken parmesan
waiter: actually the kitchen has run out of parmesan—i’m very sorry, sir
me: no parm, no fowl
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
[being axe murdered]
excuse me but perhaps you have confused me with a tree
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
Making core memories with my son by faking heart attacks in McDonald’s as a distraction while he steals mobile orders.
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
Me: I’m nervous about this interview
Mom: Just focus on the interviewer and answer the questions
Me: That’s a good idea
Interviewer: It is a good idea
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
Wife: You won’t believe what Diane did at work today
Me: (thinking, “I don’t care”)
Wife: I heard that