9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas
You Might Also Like
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
None of these new apps realize all my phone contacts already hate me.
Me: [hears knock on door] who is it?
Trooper: State Police identify yourself
Me: Police identify yourself
Trooper: State Police
Me: Police
I wish my face had a screensaver that would come on to let people know that they’ve been talking to me for too long.
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
I like to skip when I’m carrying my flamethrower cause no one ever suspects a skipping girl of starting fires.
[tv news room]
CHIEF: we need someone to cover the hurricane
PRODUCER: ok who do we hate the most
What happens in the elevator stays in the elevator.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
I eat boiled eggs, cabbage, and baked beans before the in-laws visit. They never stay long.
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
Got super excited about a 200 meter butterfly till someone explained it to me.
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
It’s 7 years ago today that my therapist told me I had problems letting go of the past
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
In Canada they just call them geese
Me*taps wife’s shoulder*Whatcha doin?
wife:Meditating
me*still tapping*Why?
wife: It helps me relax
me*still tapping* Is it working?
wife:No
What?
They say as your kids get older they get more likeable but that can’t be true because my parents still don’t like me
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
wife: do u want a glass of water?
me: of what?
wife: water
me: a glass of what?
wife: oh my god. *sighs* earth soup