9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
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4 am is a useless time. You can’t fall back to sleep at that hour and there is no point getting up.
When I’m president, we’ll do 11 pm twice and skip 4 am.
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
Alexa: remind me to feed the baby
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
if any of you are fans of deep house music blasted at high volume, i’d highly recommend the grocery store around the corner from me.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
Customer: oh hey, I almost ran you over in the parking lot lmao
Me: what stopped you
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
My girlfriend bought a bag from another woman on FB marketplace…she had me go pick it up and I wound up grabbing it from…the other woman’s boyfriend, whom she had dispatched to hand it over
One day I’m gonna go to work without my glasses and they’re gonna be like, “Who’s that hottie?” and I’m gonna be like, “WHO IS SAYING THAT?”
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
Every man wants a smart woman until he wants to win an argument.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
Me: OMG my phone is at 60% and I have to go to the grocery store, I need a charger immediately
My 13yo: My phone is at 5% and I’m about to scale Everest, later
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
I don’t dance. Unless it’s for money.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
Me:
– cures cancer
– saves endangered species
– discovers Atlantis
– solves energy crisis
– finds all missing childrenMy mom:
But did you remember to send out your thank yous? Can’t you do something about blindness? Don’t forget to call your aunt Cathy…
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
If I saw an elephant in the room, that’s ALL I’d be talking about.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
ME [opening a card from the boss that says ‘get better soon’]: but i’m not sick, sir
BOSS: no, you’re just
terrible at this job
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Guy in Car: get out of my way idiot
Guy in Crosswalk: pedestrians have the right of way
Car Guy: this ain’t Pedestria buddy this is America
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.