9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
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Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
“That was supposed to be a compliment.”
-Men
Do people who get meal kits shipped to their home know they can have restaurants deliver food that’s already cooked?
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Person: “I can’t believe I’ve been sitting for two hours.”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Amateur.”
I’d walk through fire for my daughter. Well not FIRE, because it’s dangerous. But a super humid room. But not too humid, because my hair.
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
I could own zero permanent markers and my toddler would find at least 5 of them.
[job interview]
BOSS: Describe yourself
ME: Can’t you see me?
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Him: What? You said I could tie you up and do anything I want.
Me: WELL WHERE THE HELL HAVE YOU BEEN?
Him: Fishing
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
*in a job interview*
No no it’s not a teardrop tattoo it’s supposed to be sweat. It shows I’m a hard worker
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
Just failed a captcha test. Hell of a way to discover you’re a robot
Bully: This town isn’t big enough for the 2 of us!
Me: Oh yeah?
Bully: Yeah!
Me: Come at me bro *opens town expansion plan* and look at this
my grandma has declared she is “93 and over it” and no one has the heart to tell her she is actually 102
I’ve been dressing all the chipmunks in my neighborhood up as lil miners but their tiny headlamps are making it too easy for owls to spot them this is a nightmare
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
cruella deville’s mother being killed by dalmatians is the funniest possible origin story. like what if batman had said “i am going to wear robbers”
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…