I may be small, but so is a grenade.
You Might Also Like
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
I see your ‘swagger’ and raise you my full-time job. Yeah.
If a zombie approaches you, bop it on the nose with a rolled-up magazine and say NO.
You can literally take anything from anyone as long as you shout “police emergency” and run away
[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
My neighbor told me coyotes keep eating his outdoor cats so I asked how many cats he has and he said he just goes to the shelter and gets a new cat afterwards so I said it sounds like he’s just feeding shelter cats to coyotes and then his daughter started crying.
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
It’s getting Hot In Herre, so take off all your clothes! Also, drink this water because I don’t want you to get dehydrated.
-Nervous Nelly
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
rules for dating my daughter:
1. you are not to hang out with her after 11 pm
2. because that’s when you’ll be hanging out with me
3. please be my friend
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You’re really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid’s art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn’t it fancy?!
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Opened my white noise app instead of my podcast app. Honestly, it’s an improvement.
I woke up at 3am last night, and still half asleep, had a thought that I JUST HAD TO WRITE DOWN. Pretty sure I’d just won the Internet, I fell back asleep.
In the morning, I was greeted with this gem on my phone:
“2 ninjas are called a pair of sneakers.”
You’re all welcome.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
Lots of people have prayed for my downfall. You’re just going to have to get in line, mom.
Sports bra is so tight my cleavage starts at my chin
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Cheer up.
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
[Sesame Street casting]
Director: We need role models for the kids
“There’s a grouch and a cookie addict”
Director: Anything else?
“Two jobless roommates”
Director: First of all I love it
when u have no idea what ur doing but u don’t let that stop u
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%