9yo: My best friend is going to be gone for 2 weeks on vacation. It’s going to be the worst.
Me: Well, it gives us the chance to hang out.
9yo: You’re making it worse.
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My will has a list of friends not allowed to speak at my funeral.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Welcome to Twitter. It’s like cooking spaghetti: Throw your noodle at the wall to see if something sticks.
(Halloween Party)
Friend: What’s your costume?
Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”
Friend: But you always wear that
Me: Yeah.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
If you want to keep a secret from me, write it and send it to me as a Facebook event invitation.
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
Rolling your eyes is NOT a design skill.
If you occasionally accuse your husband of shrinking your clothes in the dryer, he won’t realize you’re slowly getting fat.
What if the weather talks about us?
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
All I’m saying is waking up at night because you have to pee in a dream is better than actually peeing in the dream…
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Cute stranger: *smiles at me*
Me: *already imagining who will get custody of the dog*
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I don’t go to high school reunions because Facebook lets me judge my old classmates every day and not just every 10 years
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
I have 4ish hours to sleep, but instead of doing so I’ll just complain online about how little potential sleep I have left.
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Sometimes late at night, if you listen real carefully, you can hear parents removing batteries from annoying toys.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.