surgeon: are… are you still awake?
me: man i got a lot going on right now
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My eldest child was born 5 years after we got married and yet she’s mad at us for not inviting her to the wedding. We will be focusing on math lessons this week
Being a wife and mom is kind of like being a lawyer, everyone hates you until they need you
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
How the button came off my shirt.
A thread.
Having someone sing you to sleep is sooo comforting . . . until you realize you are the only one in the room.
[coming back into house from grocery store]
Me: thanks for coming with me!
7: I didn’t really have a choice.
Me: but it was nice, right?
5: we can’t stay home alone.
*getting kidnapped in the grocery store parking lot*
PLEASE JUST LET ME PUT MY CART BACK FIRST
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
[first date]
Him: Why are you being so distant?
Me: Why didn’t you order a side of guacamole?
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Why are there never any GOOD side effects? Just once I’d like to read a prescription bottle that says, “May cause extreme sexiness.”
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
“What if a third team came and attacked these two teams?” – my daughter, not understanding football/making football more awesome
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I heard that Amazon is scrapping Alex, the new male version of Alexa it was developing. They couldn’t stop it from saying “I don’t know, ask Alexa”.
My dog just swallowed a bag of Scrabble tiles, so I took him to the vet.
No word yet.
If you come across a bear, never push a slower friend down…even if you feel the friendship has run its course.
a cool magic trick woud be if a magiciam puts their hand in a hat & sombody wearin a hat in the audience sudenly feels a hand on their head
japanese corn
Home Depot is having their “ultimate tool event” in case anyone wants to buy my cousin Tyler.
🎶Well you can tell by the way I clumsy walk
I’m an awkward girl, don’t wanna talk
Mumble sounds, eyes look down
I’ve been trippin ’round since I was born
And it’s all right, it’s okay
Please just look the other way
🎶
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
idea for a black mirror episode: a technology called IceBox™ is invented to store food past its natural lifespan by keeping it cold. a man uses the technology to keep some fruit fresh overnight so he can have them for breakfast in the morning, but his roommate, a poet, eats them