Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
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Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Friend: Okay dating is really easy. You just have to act super natural
*later on date*
Me: *napkin on head* ooOOOooOo
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
I can smell what the neighbour is grilling but I’ll still yell over “what’s for dinner tonight”? and he’ll say “burgers” and then I’ll say “smells good”.
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
So last night I had a dream that the guy I’m crushing on was in my house. We napped in separate recliners. Seriously. That was the whole dream. We napped, fully clothed, in separate recliners.
The weirdest part? I walked him out when we were done.
Napping. In separate recliners
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
20’s: I am invincible!
40’s: I am very vincible
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
The donkey kong soundtrack stays on during sex
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
the average person eats three spiders a year, but as you’re about to find out, it takes an entire year for three spiders to eat a person
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
5: I can count to 90!
Me: Really? Show me!
5: Ok here we go…
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90Me: Nailed it.
A mechanical frog is called a ribot.
Sorry I haven’t said anything in a while
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
The woman doing my nails said the last person did a terrible job and I should start coming to her instead.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
The best part about Whole Foods is if you ask for a bag the cashier will look at you like you drowned a baby giraffe with your bare hands
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
ME [being stabbed by a stingray]: This pancake seems angry.
What’s your favorite song?-Me, to a baby wearing a Metallica shirt at the grocery store.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”