9yr old poured milk on the cat. When I asked why he said “He’s thirsty and likes to lick himself.” I couldn’t argue with that.
You Might Also Like
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
Please be on notice:
From this point forward, I shall tweet exactly whatever autocorrect provides.
I’m sorry if that isn’t exact whet you were expectorant.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
Meghan Markle: breathes
Press: Meghan Markle wages war on global oxygen supply by hoarding depleting resources within her lungs.
doctor: you need to take one a day for the rest of your life
me: *checking the bottle* there’s only 2 in here
doctor: that is correct
Me: *eating 8’s M&Ms*
8: where are my M&Ms?
Me: *hides packet* what M&Ms?
8: the ones from grandma
Me: what grandma?
8: my grandma
Me: is she though?
8: I don’t understand
Me: well go to your room and think about it
8:
Me:
8: *walks off*
Me: *finishes eating M&Ms*
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
the process of buying a podcast mic in america needs to be made as or more difficult than buying a gun
Me: You can’t fire me!
My circus boss: Just get in the cannon
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
The aliens among us mentally scream at having to continue this charade.
*thumb wrapped in giant bandage*
CW: Oh my God, what happened?
Me: Never challenge a hitchhiker to a thumb war.
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
I let my baby girl know she can do anything.
Except taking the bow out of her hair cuz IT’S REALLY CUTE AND SHE NEEDS TO LEAVE IT ALONE.
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
Dropped the ice cube tray. Made a mess at first, but now it’s just water under the fridge.
People who try to beat you when walking into a store. No.
These 3D printers are insane!
6. me as a lawyer
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Motorway in Britain: “Go 40mph for a bit”
You: “Why? What’s happened?”
Motorway: “Absolutely nothing”
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
I once dated guy who talked so much about his ex-wife that I broke up with him and started dating her.
thank us. at 3rd floor. hit yourself. you will. 3 months. from now.
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!