The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
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These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I don’t care what pasta costs because it’s worth every penne.
I told my grandmother to act her age…. then she died.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I like dogs cuz if you do something stupid they don’t criticize you, they do it with you.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”
I’m trying to send the zombie apocalypse but the zombies say they’d rather starve.
I flunked out of flight attendant school.
I was told to disarm the doors, so I said they looked fabulous and were clearly going places.
Since we don’t have children my wife shows people photos of our Air Fryer.
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
Me: “When will you be home?”
Wife: “10 to 15 minutes max.”
All these years and she can’t remember my name is Ryan.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Oi, Sheeran, I just sang my wife “I’m in love with the shape of you” and her response was “and what shape would THAT be?!”. I’m in so much shit. Thanks for nothing, pal
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
social media jobs be like:
Do you know your TikTok from your Facebook? have you ever heard of or seen “a computer”?
Then you just might be perfect for our SOCIAL MEDIA DIRECTOR job, running every online element of our business
£13k, Slough
Why are so many people going everywhere whenever I have to go anywhere?
If you balance your medication correctly you can blank out an entire morning meeting.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
[First Date]
No dessert for me, I couldn’t eat another bite.
[Second Date]
*slides whole cake down my gullet like a pelican*
My Bread Shop may have turned a profit if I stuck with the original name: Rolling In Dough instead of: Yeast Infection Connection.
We’d been married for 5yrs before we heard the patter of tiny feet. In time even the kids learned to live with the massive rat infestation
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
Maybe the Titanic sank because there were too many cats onboard, you don’t know.
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server