Sorry, I can’t right now. I’m too busy eating all the marshmallows out of my daughter’s Lucky Charms because she pointed out a gray hair.
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COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
Met the daughter’s new boy friend. Grabbed his crotch and whispered ‘looking forward to tonight’s three way’… And that is that.
Oh, I bet you would be
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
I finally wore the shirt my boyfriend bought for me last Christmas and he asked if I was wearing a new shirt and that my friends is what relationships are all about
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
Not to brag, but I remember to take the cap off of a water bottle 75% of the time before taking a drink.
When the skirt was invented women only had one leg
I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made me an appointment for tomorrow afternoon.
WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
frankly, people look at you different after you lick them.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
All cars should have a robot hand built into the driver’s seat headrest. If you don’t use your turn signal, it flicks you in the ear for the rest of the trip.
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
gooooob morning. i’m being told. someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would’ve lost my mind
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly
her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-
daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]
We’re out of duct tape, craft glue, and frozen orange juice because I made a sandwich while I was drunk last night.
I wonder how Abraham Lincoln would feel if he knew he and Shakira’s hips have the same reputation
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁