Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
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ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work here?
Me: Revenge.
My wife [sexily] – “why don’t we…turn out the light?”
Me, a moth – “no”
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
This squirrel eats better than I do
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
German couples probably have less arguments because there’s an exact word for, “I’m fine, just annoyed you forgot the milk again”
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
If you tell me you’re having a bad day I will quietly grab you by the face and stare deeply into your eyes and whisper “all days are bad days”
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Sex is like ice fishing.
If you put your pole in enough holes, you’ll eventually catch something.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
My wife loves the sexy bulge in my sweatpants.
Until I realized she was referring to my wallet.
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
The only reason an IKEA kitchen will last you 25 years is because it takes 23 years to put it together
ME: i don’t trust salesmen
SALESMAN: OH MY GOD LOOK OUT FOR THAT CAR
ME: oh shit where
SALESMAN: right over here isn’t she a beaut
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
an octopus is just a wet spider
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.