Parenthood is just chauffeuring a bunch of people you don’t want to chauffeur, to places you don’t want to go, at times you don’t even want to be awake, to do things you don’t want to do, for prices you damn sure can’t afford.
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[dark alley]
DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*
ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?
The note on this boxed wine says ‘Fresh up to 6 weeks after opening’
6 weeks. lol.
I feel like all bears are Bad News Bears. I’ve never seen a bear and was like “Oh, he looks like he has good news for us, lets stick around”
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
Girlfriend: *twirls hair* so tell me what you like about me the most
Me: probably your willingness to date me
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
What’s the most ridiculous rule you’ve seen a HOA enforce? Mine was the neighbour who got told off for growing the wrong kind of lavender
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
ME: Should I sneeze into my hand?
DOCTOR: No, sneeze into your elbow
ME: Can I shake hands with people?
DOCTOR: No, bump elbows with them
ME: …
DOCTOR: …
ME: …
DOCTOR: Let me get back to you on that last one
[Bear attack]
Me: Thank god bears can’t climb trees, I should be safe here.
Bear: *shoots a grappling hook* Think again pal!
Ever notice how much easier it is to be nice to people when they’re leaving?
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
Nephew: Your Christmas hat is ugly. But that’s okay…
Me: Why is it okay that it’s ugly?
Nephew: It matches your face!
Me: 😳😳
The cat acts like I’m interfering as she plays with a toy but that’s my phone charger!
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
Cheer up! Your biggest mistake is probably still ahead of you.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
Why is it no matter how bad you rack yourself physically ppl invariably ask “Are you ok?”
Sure I am. Why I was just thinking this morning my hair would look so much better if it had matted blood in it.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Jesus: My God, why have you forsaken me?
God: Lighten up drama queen.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
I wish you were here with me baby
So you can close the curtains and let the dog out, I don’t wanna get up
All these laws are really getting in the way of my driving.
[interview]
What is your biggest weakness?
“Sometimes I’m too succinct”
Can you give an example?
“Yes”
Found some beef jerky under my kid’s pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy