‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
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Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
Cooking is kind of strange, conceptually. Who took the first slab of meat and said “we better put fire under this for 15 minutes so we don’t die”
It’s awkward touching hands with another man inside a popcorn bag, especially if you dont know the man and he doesnt know you’re eating his popcorn
I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
Felix went to the moon, took 5 photos. She went to the bathroom, took 37 photos.
If practice makes perfect, why in the hell are we all so shit at sleeping as adults!
You have absolutely no fashion sense you wear nothing but brown every single day
UPS GUY: Just sign for the package
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Sneaking out of the house is a skill I’ve used way more as a mom than I ever did as a teenager.
For our anniversary last year I told my wife “thank you for 20 happy years” and she got mad because we’ve been married for 31
CRIME SCENE INVESTIGATOR: the cause of death is blunt force trauma
CRIME SCENE INVESTICROCODILE: I think your rounded snout looks stupid
[grocery store]
DAD: [wearing a ski mask]
SON: this is so embarrassing
MOM: hush- your father gets nervous when we have to buy toilet paper
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
When a Honda Element crashes into another Honda Element it becomes a Honda Compound.
Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample
Me:
3yo:
Me:
3yo:
Me: well?
3yo: the DVD player is not for waffles
Me: the DVD player is NOT FOR WAFFLES
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
North Carolina just legalized same sex marriage. I thought all sex was the same after marriage.
It’s been 8 months since I joined the gym and no progress. Tomorrow the first thing I’m going there in person to check what’s really going on.
They should make a sister store to “Forever 21” called “So Now You’re 35” where you can buy sensible pants and soft sweaters & take naps.
[ER]
Dr: …major cardiac event, you must improve your diet
Me: But I eat tons of fruit and veg
D: Such as?
M: I have ketchup on everything, salad in burgers, pineapple on pizza, a Bloody Mary at breakf—
D: *switching off life support* Nurse, record time of death as imminent