‘A 12 year old invented an app….No pressure though.’
(Me to my kids)
You Might Also Like
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
Just the other day, I asked my mom at what age do children start really listening to their parents but I don’t remember what her answer was.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
Keep reading this tweet, I don’t want you to see me steal your donut
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
I’m so bad at making decisions that whenever I hit a yellow light I scream, open my car door and throw myself out
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
Wore my clip-on, flip-up sunglasses in my dating profile pic, because women don’t easily forget something like that.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who just had a sexy dream about a grilled cheese sandwich
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face
[face to face with a serial killer]
Me: So this is how it ends.
SK: Kill you? In this economy? I just needed to borrow a cup of sugar.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
Not to brag, but I just bought Eggland’s best eggs from the grocery store. Their BEST eggs. I got them.
Just saw a restaurant that was Japanese/Italian fusion and I can’t think of anything I want less than cheesy noodle sushi.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
is this a threat
angel: whatcha making?
god: *pressing lion into grill with spatula* tiger
over-40 lifehack: if you go every 6 months instead of annually, they only give you a semicolonoscopy
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear