Positive vibes only, she says from the couch where she watches murder documentaries all day
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How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
my lawyer: “if you think of anything important write it down and pass it to me”
me: “ok”
[in court]
me: [passes him note]
DONALD DUCK AND WINNIE THE POOH COULD COMBINE WARDROBES AND STILL HAVE LITERALLY ZERO TROUSERS
my lawyer: “your honor the defense requests a 5 minute recess”
Me: *stuffing a ham into my pillow*
Wife: what are you doing
Me: it’s in case someone tries to stuff a ham into my pillow, they’ll be like “ah damn”
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
🤣
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Worst perfume name ever.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
✌️
what happens if the bachelor chooses to love himself
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Me if I was a dog
Treat your guests like family, so they don’t stay too long.
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
I can’t wait for Halloween so that I can walk around with a bloody carving knife without being questioned.
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
[at séance]
Me: If you truly are a ghost why don’t you move this object
Ghost: If you truly are a human why don’t you get your shit together
“Wait, let me explain..”
turned my music down and some guy in traffic yelled out THANK YOU
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.