A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
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Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Wow, the feeling! A sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* endorphins
Me: No, just whales
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
My grandma accidentally swallowed a fly. Feeding her a spider now…
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
Tired of dating apps. I will now be using a ouija board
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
You know something I’ve discovered?
This Twitter. It’s not about a high follower count, or a supposed ‘cool ratio’ or viral tweets.
It’s about the people you connect with.
Once you realise this, you’ll enjoy your experience here so very much more.
❤️🧡💛💚💙💜❤️🧡💛💚💙💜
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Did you guys ever prank your passed out friend by putting his hand in a bowl of warm water and then dropping a tiny toaster in it?
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Hospital Administrator: And how will you be paying?
Me: *Has no insurance* Dearly.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
5yo *oldest*: Dad, why do we have to eat our vegetables?
Me: You know what? Our first kid asked the same question
Me: Transparency is very important to me.
Ghost: …
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
[two australians playing chess in a restaurant]
check, mate
*everyone explodes*
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Baby on board is probably the worst idea for charcuterie out there
Whenever I’m facing a moral dilemma, I think of the advice my father gave me.
“Never leave a paper trail,” he’d say, tapping the glass partition between us for emphasis.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic