@GeorgiaSweet20: A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don't have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
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@primawesome: Coworker who supports Trump: Big weekend plans? Me: Huge. My weekend plans are so big you won't believe it. No one has bigger weekend plans.
@JennyJohnsonHi5: If the Discovery Channel's new show 'Naked And Afraid' isn't about Mormon honeymoons, I'm not interested.
@schlimp: Cop: Where were you at the time of the murder? Me: I'd trapped myself in a Tupperware container Cop: Damn, that's an air tight alibi