A 2-hour movie called “Can You Watch My Kid For Like 15 Minutes?”
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She said she wanted to try spouse swapping. Next thing I know she’s trading me for a toaster.
[the cops release the cadaver sniffing dogs into my living room for the third time this week]
ME: *pauses netflix* I told you I’m not dead!
this will hang in the louvre one day
HR: Do you want to sign up for 401k?
Me: Are you crazy? I can’t run that far!
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
selena gomez
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.
Who’s your best friend?
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
there has never been a better use of this meme
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
I don’t want to give away my exact locale but I’ll just say I can see the moon from my kitchen. Please don’t abuse this info.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
One of my worst typos at work… my missing O in hello. Hell there! Kind of changes the niceness of the message. There’s more unfortunately
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO REESE’S
Yes, but it was never about money
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
My wife is so married that she even stopped blowing out the candles on her birthday cake cause she doesn’t want me gettin’ any ideas.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.