A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
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I’m trying out a new email sign off. I’ve replaced “Best,” with “I bequeath to you an unspecified curse,”
Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
ant-man: im here to stop u
bad guy: [pulls out a can of Raid©]
ant-man: motherf
When you played marbles, the only goal was to win more marbles. No one asked stupid questions like why’d you want more marbles.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.
I imagine the hardest part of becoming a supervillain is getting your doctorate.
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
Been looking for you, every, single, day in the obituaries.
Darling
squirrel mom: Remember what I told you
squirrel son: “Always look both ways before I finish crossing the street”
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
[a duel]
Him: Choose your weapons.
Me: Um…banjos.
Him: See? This is why everyone wants you dead.
If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
Turns out a cop hates a surprise hug
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
My coworker Pete got fired and apparently I didn’t lighten the mood by calling him Obsol-Pete.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
My husband: It’d be nice to have a wife who cooked dinner.
Me: ooo!! Can we get one?
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
the cat just jumped in through the window, saunted right through the living room and STOOD ON MY BANANA SANDWICH FOR FIVE SECONDS WITH HIS DIRTY FEET WHILE SCREAMING AT ME FOR BEING LATE WITH HIS LUNCH FOR GODS SAKE
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Study: People with children live longer.
People with children: Shit.
You go on cruises when you only want to experience other countries cultures for an hour and still have Budweiser and chicken fingers for dinner
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
Thoughts and prayers for my five year old who just found onion in her onion rings