A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!
So I killed her.
You Might Also Like
me and who
H: I’m going to the strip club tonight.
M: okay
H: That’s it, okay?
M: Sure, just remember who prepares your food.
H: What?
M: What?
Me: if you tell me how many cookies are in this jar, you can have them all.
She: you ate them all didn’t you?
Me: and we have a winner.
Fun fact: if you play Hotel California backwards, and slowed down 30bpm, there’s a fantastic hidden quiche recipe
Going topless is a vibe. Yes my friend’s car is a convertible.
I’m sorry for all the traffic today in Los Angeles. I went outside in tiny shorts
Her: I’m an only child
Me: There are literally billions of children
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
I can’t believe someone broke into my garage and stole my limbo stick. Like, seriously, how low can you go?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
[concert]
Lead Singer: HOW’S EVERYBODY DOING TONIGHT
Crowd: WOOOO
Me (from the back row): fine how are you
Lead Singer: I’M GOOD THANKS FOR ASKING
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
me: I’m gonna work from home today
co-pilot: wait
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
If you see my wife at the store, tell her to put some of that stuff back.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Bring back the McRib
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Seize the day. Attack the week. Murder the month. Approach your life in a generally violent way.
*tries to discreetly wipe up my spilled drink with your cat*
a lot of people afraid to put in hard work but I make my living the way my grandfather did and his grandfather before him. selling the same pigeon to the same guy over and over again because it keeps flying back to me.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah