A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick.
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand.
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“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
Got kicked out of the army for calling my bulletproof jacket a hardigan.
do you think the guy who designed hand grenades really hated pineapples, or really loved them?
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
My neighbor and I stepped out at the same time, both of us dressed up for meetings. I nodded at him approvingly. He looked me up and down and grinned. I STILL GOT IT, I thought. Gave my presentation to 50 people. Get home only to realize my pants are inside out.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Me: This recipe calls for one red onion…
Onion: Seize the means of production!
Me: Close enough
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
Kid: “Mom, there’s a dead possum in the yard.”
Me: “Let’s take a look.” [pokes possum with stick]
Possum: [pops up]
Me: Aaaaaahhhhh! [faints]
Possum: [starts poking me with a stick]
(To the pilot as I’m getting off the plane) Yeah right here is good.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
If you send me a work memo on the weekend I respond with Linkin Park lyrics.
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
one time in high school I wanted to signal to a friend that I really, really liked him, so I began referring to him as my esteemed colleague
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.
“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”
Husband: *bleeding*
Me: *calling 911*
Husband: Well, Well, Well. Look who’s on her phone again.
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
“Now I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds.”
– Twitter IT engineer that pressed the button for the 280 character limit update
Ugh.
“What’s wrong honey?”
My bad knee is acting up again.
*knee robs a gas station*
I watered my garden and then it rained so I’d like a refund please
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
Home is where the bag filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags filled with plastic bags is.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
People who say they don’t have a mean bone in their body haven’t had their back go out on them.