imagine being 93 years old and then you’re bit by a vampire and you’re stuck being a 93 year old forever
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Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
A zombie apocalypse sounds even worse when you consider all those smoke detectors beeping for battery changes.
Toddler mom: please take a second bite of chicken
Tween mom: please do not eat an entire second chicken
I don’t care if you’re black or white… old or young… rich or poor… male or female… there comes a moment in everyone’s life when you raise your glass and realize… the damn coaster is still stuck to it…
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
I don’t always sit on a throne of lies, but when I do it’s while searching the cupboards with my child for a snack I know I ate.
6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.
[doing crossword]
Me: I’m looking for a word that means slight pause
Her: Hiatus?
Me: *erasing ‘our sex life’* thanks
This country is bonkers. Toilet paper: gone. Bottled water: sold out. And yet nobody else thought to stock up on the single most important thing. Good luck now suckers! Ya snooze ya lose
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
We cut open the cake at the gender reveal party and out spill thousands of fire ants. The guests howl. FIRE ANTS ARE MOSTLY MALE, I explain
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
“Theirye’re” problem solved
Films and television have led me to believe that masquerade balls have a higher mortality rate than most wars.
I’m just saying, if we can genetically alter animals, why haven’t we designed a fly that can find its own way out of a house?
God: *creates a cat* how’re you feline little guy?
Cat:
God:
Cat:
God: *creates dogs*
Witches’ brews are full of newtrients.
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
Sniffing the broccoli
2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
Might buy one those Amazon driver delivery uniforms so my wife will be excited to see me when I get home from work.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
Plot twist
*Where do YOU see ME in 5 years..
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
DAD: please help find my daughter
DETECTIVE: what does she look like
DAD: [scrolling thru 9,674 selfies of her with snapchat filters] I D… I DON’T KNOW
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.