@omically: a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
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@theshamingofjay: Me: ugh I have to wear a tie today, adulting sucks. Grandpa: I had to fight in World War II when I was 19. Me: I guess you kind of get it.
@iwearaonesie: friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you? me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
@Contwixt: Girl, are you an environmentalist? 'Cuz everytime you walk into a room you turn it into a heavily wooded area.