A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
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thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
ME: truth or dare
PRIEST: just take the communion
Origami = folding paper
Jiu Jitsu = folding clothes (while people are still in them)#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes #jiujitsu
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
The courtroom I’m in this morning is astonishingly relaxed, and the judge looks like a kid cosplaying as a judge. Doogie Howser, J.D.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
Bus numbers should be the same in other countries and bring ye to the same places. If I hop on a 27 in Paris I wanna end up in French Tallaght.
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Really? Still no Kate? Has anyone even tried yelling Marco?
Please help, my kid keeps threatening to teach me chess
Common sense: Walk away.
Me: No.
Daughter: So the night light will keep the monsters away, right?
Me: haha, no. It’s so they can see where you are. Sweet dreams.
Of course my days are numbered..
That’s how calendars work.
Every time I put on my striped socks I always have an ominous feeling that today is the day that a house will drop on me.
Batman’s Bat Signal was really banking on the fact that crimes only happened at night.
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
If anyone needs to hear a list of chores you need to complete today before you even open your eyes…
My wife is available.
Save a horse, ride a wave of anxiety.
Liam Neeson is going to find that hour we lost.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
If i had a dollar for every time you guys said Twitter was going out of business, I’d have enough money to buy Twitter.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.