@ericsshadow: A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
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@Reverend_Scott: Cop: Know why I stopped u? "Cuz im going too fast?" Cop: Yes, slow down. "But it's been 6 months-" Cop: U can't move in with her yet.
@iamspacegirl: [Drive-thru] CRONUS: Yes- I'll have the bucket of popcorn children Intercom: *crackling* Popcorn chicken, sir? CRONUS: omg what did I say
@comer310: Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs* Friend: Bad breakup? Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn't working.
@chuuew: SUPERVILLAIN: [thrusting kryptonite into my side] ME: How did you discover my weakness? [gasping for air] I... hate... being... stabbed...