A 41 year old gymnast is competing in her 7th Olympics. I just texted my son and offered him $5 to come downstairs and hand me the remote.
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Remember, it doesn’t have to be the “perfect” muder, just an unsolvable one.
~me as a motivational speaker
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
I’m not saying I did terrible things last night but satan just woke up on my couch and he won’t make eye contact with me.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
The first person to realize you can eat bone marrow must have really hated that cow.
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie
heres law school: “sustained” is basically “settle down beavis.” “overruled” also means “settle down beavis,” but to the other guy instead
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Got a passcode lock that takes a picture whenever someone tries the wrong code to look in my phone.
I now have fifty pictures of drunk me.
I eat the baked Cheetos at work so my boss never forgets that I’ll put up with literally anything
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
The Titanic was unsinkable until Leo DiCaprio had premarital sex with Kate Winslett. Keep it in your pants until marriage kids.
If at first you don’t succeed then try, try again.
Unless you’re skydiving then good luck with that.
To be honest, the only thing I really like about being a grownup is getting to eat a Popsicle right after I finish eating a Popsicle.
Priest: *running from confessional hyperventilating*
me: *chasing after him* HEY WAIT THERE’S‘ MORE.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
“Get me some ice cream, I gave blood today”
Him: “You can’t say that every month!”
{Clutches ovaries} “GASP”
Tweet faster, America, things still aren’t fixed!
Me: I’ll email the document, but I REFUSE to send it over telephone line.
Boss: What the hell are you talking about?
Me: I’m an anti-faxer.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
The best way to watch the MTV Music Video Awards is to turn on the TV and turn the channel to MTV and then go outside and set your house on fire.
I’m opening a funeral home that has a bar in it. I know right?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.