A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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If your one of those people whose not very good at grammar, that makes too of us.
[Giraffes at gym]
“What do you want to work on today?”
Well we did neck day yesterday, and the day before.
“So…neck day again”
You bet
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Why spend money on graduate school when my mom can give you the third degree for free
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
HER: how was your day?
ME: you know in Die Hard when he runs barefoot over broken glass?
HER: it was that bad??
ME: oh no, it’s just a cool scene…my day was decent
Hey, baby, you wanna come back to my place, and become a famous murder victim?
My toxic trait is drinking a giant cup of water and then getting on an hour and a half conference call
No, I didn’t ask why she had a baby goat at work with her. *shrug* Seems like a personal question.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
listen, Geppetto made a marionette to replace his dead son, so technically Pinocchio is “mourning wood.”
How much did Santa pay for his sleigh.
Nothing, it was on the house.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
My sister bought glitter for the children, so now I’m trying to add her name to a terrorist watchlist.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
The worst thing about having kids is that they grow up, but the best thing about having kids is that they grow up.
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Mom u can stop cutting the crust off my bread now im in a gang
Guy from the Prodigy: I’m a firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Okay fine
Guy from the Prodigy: You’re the firestarter, twisted firestarter
Me: Aww man don’t drag me into this shit
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
I have so many chores that I need to do, what Netflix show should I binge watch?
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something
The good news is, it turns out there is literally nothing we can say here that will ruin our chances at a political career.
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
i’ll tell you this, anyone who breaks into my house is gonna find out why you don’t mess with a guy who collects sparklers