A 5 day juice diet. They said I would “feel it” working in just 5 days. They were right, I’ve never felt more hungry in all my life.
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[10:06pm]
13: Why is the ceiling in my room white? I feel like I’m staring into blankness when I’m in bed.
Me: Lay on your side and face the painted wall.
13: It sounds like you don’t care about my relaxing process and just want me to go to sleep.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
My relationship advice?
Play Chess instead.
It’s less complicated.
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
7YO changed her favorite princess to Anna and now my four year investment in Elsa is worth diddly-squat
Going to the moon must be terrifying because you’ve got no way to tell if you’re seeing werewolves there or just regular moon wolves.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
Jingling your keys in front of a crying baby is a great way to distract them while you steal their wallet
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
Husband: What should we do today?
Me: It’s up to you.
Husband: Beach?
Me: No.
Husband: Movie?
Me: No.
Husband: Museum?
Me: No.
Husband: Then what do you want to do?
Me: I don’t care. You choose.
Doctor: I’m sorry, I did everything I could.
Grieving Family: We just can’t believe you wasted your time getting a PhD in Philosophy.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
Just sayin’ elbow macaroni’s gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between elbows and macaroni.
3 little words that can bring a man to his knees on a Sunday morning
INTERNET IS DOWN
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
Still wondering if Rick Astley gives up anything for Lent.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
9-1-1 what’s ur emergency
“well i guess it’s that one of my friends changed all of my contacts’ phone numbers to 9-1-1.”
What kind of marriage do the people in tv ads have where one spouse surprises another with a car I mean this is a major financial decision
If by environmentalist you mean “I try to get out of doing things by saying it’s bad for the environment” then yes, I’m an environmentalist.
I buy a lot of ringtones for someone who hasn’t answered a phone call since 2008.
I avoid eye contact like everyone is trying to sell me $20 fundraiser popcorn.
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.