I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
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Eulogies are just goth stand-up.
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
My friend was like, the flies are SO BAD this year. And I was like, the flies ain’t gettin’ nothin’ for Christmas.
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
[1994]
dad: are you looking forward to Christmas
me: yes, i cant wait!!
dad: cool *slipping off wedding ring* how’d you like two of them?
Imagine my dismay when I found out she wasn’t joking about owning a lie detector machine
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
She wears short skirts
I eat pizza
She’s cheer captain
And I’m still eating pizza
The directions on every jar of anti-aging cream should read: “Apply liberally to face & neck 20 years ago.”
I’ve just found out that my 18-year-old keeps an eye on my Twitter account and now I’m seriously torn between doubling down on calling Ted Danson daddy or deleting my entire online identity.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
*launders Kohls cash*
If I’m reading this DNA report correctly, the thin lines here and the thick lines over here mean nothing is my fault.
“I take pride in my job. I transport the worlds most precious cargo”
-oh, u drive a school bus?
“LMAO Hell no! I’m a drug smuggler u nerd”
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens.
– E.T. (1982) PG
[first day as a spelling bee judge]
Me: your word is Sarcasm
Him: can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: no, I’m a spelling bee judge but can’t use a word in a sentence
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
Me *hesitates to do CPR on a friend who’s on the floor, unconscious*: What if he comes back as a zombie
911 Operator: No, he’d have to be dead awhile, then reanimated through some kind of disease vector or lightning storm.
Me: Thank you!
Operator: That’s what we’re here for.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I read that you should treat every night with your wife like your first date so after the movie tonight I’m dropping her off at her parents