If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
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animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Pretty insulting when you wake up in a bathtub of ice and they left all your organs.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
“Dreadfully mediocre.”
“Astonishing lack of imagination.”
“Your child peaked at age 5.”
– why my friends no longer invite me to school plays
guru: life is intertwined, from you & i, to birds & trees
me: yes sensei
guru: theres an ancient story of an old man who sought to become one with nature
me: did he succeed, sensei?
guru: turned himself into a pickle. he was like “im pickle rick.” funniest shit ive ever heard
I am the proud father of two content providers. I mean children. Two children.
[killer in horror movie suddenly appears]
me: *sighing* ugh I JUST sat down
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
Someday future archaeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think it was some bizarre mouse-worshiping kingdom.
May your ex’s phone charger only ever work at a specific angle.
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
me: make me irresistible to women
genie: *turns me into a puppy* careful what you wish for haha
me: *raises hind leg over lamp*
genie: wait no stop
“I’m taking condiments in a bold new direction” I whisper as I squeeze a tube of toothpaste on my hot dog. The dentists all cheer for me.
Priorities: before we worry about all of this we really need to get all the child eating clowns out of the sewers.
JESUS: Take and eat; this is my body
ME: Umm
JESUS: Drink. This is my blood
ME: Can we get another waiter please!
JESUS: This is my mixtape
THEO VAN GOGH: I can’t believe you lost your other ear in a poker game
VINCENT VAN GOGH: What?
Me: Okay… Time for bed.
Brain: Cool.
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain: If you had a pterodactyl, would you name him Terry… or Perry??
I’ll interrupt important meetings with random dance-offs against the superintendent, just to remind him who really runs the prison.
I came up with a new word yesterday: Plagiarism
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
“No no, remember I told you we don’t do that in our house..”
-Me, breaking up a cat fight.
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
9am: protein shake, oatmeal
1pm: small salad, chicken breast
5pm: grilled salmon, spinach
9pm: 4 whole “i don’t give a shit anymore” pizzas