A 5-year-old just asked me if I’d ever heard of algae. You bet I have you little weirdo!
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People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Establish dominance in the mom group by looking the other moms in the eye as you jump on a trampoline without going to the bathroom first.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Mermaids are a lot less sexy when their top half’s the fish part.
Theres a new machine at the gym. I only used it for 1 hr because I started to feel sick but its awesome! Its got Skittles, M&M’s…everything!
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
It’s only a matter of time before the zombies are afraid to eat our brains because we’re such idiots.
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
[meeting a girl at the bar]
ME (nervously cracking every knuckle): hi I’m brandon
GIRL: please let go of my hands
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: …
Superman: Bruce.
Batman: *sits up in bed* Clark, you have x-ray vision. You know there’s no monster in the closet
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
Therapist: So you had another breakthrough?
Kool-Aid Man: Look I am so sorry we were making so much progress
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
Women prefer to become ghosts in the afterlife because WE’RE NOT DONE WITH YOU YET
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me at home: Why isn’t there more kindness in the world?
Me while driving: I hate every single person on this planet.
my mom: [wrapping my pills in cheese]
me: no, mom, use the GRUYERE I’m an ADULT
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
Horror Movie Protagonist – *uses dead person’s grimy-blood-covered-severed hand to unlock the fingerprint lock on their phone to call for help*
Me – *can’t get the fingerprint lock on my phone to recognize my recently-washed-clean finger when I forget my password again*
“Here’s your cup of Joe” – Joe at the sperm bank
wife:Gotta go. You guys gonna be ok?
me [making my Pop-Tart pop out of the toaster and trying to catch it] Come on!
wife:9, you’re in charge
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
You can’t trust the mainstream media, that’s why I get all my news from the giant in my dreams
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
*buries Oreos throughout the house in preparation for the long, hard winter ahead.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now