@dreamthievin: A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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@OldUncleDaveO: I run from my car all the way to the front door of McDonald's because fitness is a lifestyle
@RandomManik: GF texted me that her ex wants to get her back. So I texted, "I care for you. Don't do this". I'm still working on what to reply to my GF.
@TheToddWilliams: [forest precinct] DETECTIVE OWL: HOO BEAR: I dont know DET OWL: HOO BEAR: I DONT KNOW DET OWL: HOO BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
@vexroid: Her: How in the world did we max out the credit card?? Me: Beats me *pushes $20K worth of Care Bears under the bed