A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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“40 is the new 20”
*Pulls a muscle*
“40 is the new 80”
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
[on phone with attorney]
HIM: you’re being charged for murder.
ME: damn that sounds expensive i guess you can just put it on my Amex
You can tell a lot about a woman from her hands, for instance if they are firmly around your throat she is probably slightly upset.
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
Him: “Are you single?”
Me: *flashes back to that time Wil Wheaton RTd me and left me at the top of his TL all night*
“It’s complicated…”
Pro: I will make you a gourmet meal.
Con: I will pronounce the t in gourmet.
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
“Are you okay?”
Me anytime I meet someone named Annie.
Me: Nice biker jacket. You ride?
Him: No
Me: So you’re a liar?
Him:
Me:
Him: Nice yoga pants
Me: That jacket looks so awesome on you!
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
Me: when can I start trusting news on social media again?
Them: April fools ends midday
Me: April fools?
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
hear me out : pockets for your socks
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Cop: Can I see some ID?
Me: No. But you can see this…
[Does that trick where you pretend to detach your thumb]Rookie cop: I didn’t sign up to fight no wizard sarge
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
Did a crunch. Sprained an ovary.
0/10. Do not recommend.
Oh, the other kind of staff meeting.
*Gets dressed.
if there were more women in lord of the rings it wouldn’t have taken 3 movies to get to mount doom just saying.