@dreamthievin: A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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@sixfootcandy: Barista: That will be $8.00. Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
@DadandBuried: Literally nothing makes me more angry than watching my kid yawn an hour after he dragged me out of bed at 5am.
@AimeeHelene1: Tonight's special: Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings $105 - Fancy restaurants
@jdforshort: Your smell is so intoxicating Your skin so soft and warm I can't wait to eat you up ~Mosquitos