A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
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On the phone with my therapist and she is clearly going through the McDonalds drive through 😓
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
teacher: there’s no such thing as a stupid question
me: are sharks just mean dolphins
teacher: ok i was wrong
“Well gentlemen… the steaks are high.”
*two steaks giggle*
“Hehehe omfg he totally knows, man…”
My Darling Petunia,
It’s been three days since the plane went down. I’m not sure a rescue party has been sent out, and I’ve seen no islands towards which to paddle. I briefly thought I saw Tom Hanks, but it must be my mind playing tricks on me. I fear my goose is cooked.
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
I never understood why a set of false teeth is called “dentures”.
They really missed an opportunity to call it “substitooths”.
My yoga instructor was drunk today.
Put me in a very awkward position.
I hate when people say, “Don’t worry about the things you can’t control.”
UMMMMM……HELLO!!
That’s exactly what I’m worried about!!
They’re creepy, but cult leaders get shit done.
Remember when we thought it would be fun to grow up and have jobs? LOL
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)
My mother had a cure for slouching. I still flinch when there’s movement in my periphery, but I’ve got posture like a Marine.
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
i slap your apartment floor and ask you what year it was made. you don’t understand so i do exactly the same thing again
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Adding “Free HBO” to your dating profile isn’t the game changer you’d think it’d be.
I love it when my toddler falls asleep with sunglasses on it’s like my own personal weekend at bernie’s.
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
Your heart beats faster, your knees go weak, you start to sweat. Is this love? No you’re probably hypoglycemic
Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
Wonder Woman: we need more warriors, have you sent in the reinforcements yet?
Amazon Customer Service: …what
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams because she’s a thirty foot half witch half crocodile who chases me endlessly through darkness.