people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
You Might Also Like
“That’s horrible ! I’m never getting married !”
– My 9yo, after I told her my wife and I no longer surprise each other with gifts, we just tell each other what we want
translated into Canadian
Can we skip the sex and go straight to the sandwich?
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
It only took me 9 days to break all my New Year’s resolutions. 3 more days than last year. That’s progress!
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
My husband got his hand stuck in the dishwasher.
So of course I had to fire her.
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
My daughter wants a smart car for her 16th birthday. She thinks it will do her geometry homework.
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
That looks expensive and breakable, I should play with it.
– Every kid ever.
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
Chewing tobacco is for people who like cigarettes, but are hungry
My kids didn’t follow me into the bathroom so now I’m scared to leave and find out what they got into instead
Dental hygienist: Whew! You’re all done with your cleaning. That took a bit longer than I expected.
Me: *maintains eye contact while biting into Oreo* Thanks.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
If your wife says “what would you do without me?”
“Live happily ever after” is NOT the correct answer.Brrrr it’s cold in this doghouse 🙁
My wife put the screws leftover from the dishwasher repair in a frame and hung it on the wall.
It’s not funny.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
Don’t watch nature documentaries with me unless you want more information than the narration provides.
I bought some old lady reading glasses as a lark, a laugh, and now my eyes don’t hurt, this isn’t what I wanted
when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?
da Vinci would have 35 million followers and be constantly referred to as an influencer
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.