Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
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HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don’t care if you keep it but i want it collected
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
*Leaving the bar with a hot girl*
Girl: I’m on my menstrual cycle. I hope you don’t mind.
Me: Not a problem. I’m on my moped, I’ll follow you.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” -Twins looking at some family photos
Be the person nobody was prepared to deal with.
Do I still have feelings for my ex husband?
Yes.
I think “stabby” is a feeling, right?
[first day as a teacher]
me: today we’re learning the alphabet
kid: that’s easy
me: no it’s A-Z idiot
[Martian welcoming party]
We’re so excited to welcome our friends from Ear—ok it’s another robot car everybody. Why do they keep doing this
When your house haunted but you got nowhere else to go
Good cop: We know it was you. Just confess.
Murderer: I didn’t do nothin’
Breaks the fourth wall cop: Your name in this tweet is Murderer.
@funTweeters
For “Mean Tweets”Oh I see now, those aren’t your measurements, it’s the fluctuations in your IQ score!
I think Twitter is baiting me with flattery when it says, “We’ve selected a small group for feedback.”
You look at the top of your phone screen and see the ringer off and alarm clock icons and wonder when you got old and boring and responsible
“i don’t think i’ll have kids”
-plain
-invites arguments“this bloodline dies with me”
-assertive
-metal as hell
-implies you’re taking on a great and noble burden which allows no arguments
My wife handed me a mop so I inspected it and said, “You’re good to go, woman!” and now the mop handle is in a funny place.
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
All I want for Christmas is a survivalist training course so I can finally move to the woods, go off the grid, and not participate in society anymore until the government hunts me down and begs me to help them with a matter of national security, which I refuse.
Somebody call the cops.
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
The jerk store called. *removes hat* I’m afraid there’s been an accident.
RT if you are my car keys and I can’t find you
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
Is….Is this an option?
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
edibles don’t work unless you talk shit about them first LMAO
Caught my son chewing on electrical wires.
So, I grounded him.
He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.