[In line at the store when my child has a meltdown]
A boomer in line behind me: that child could use some discipline-
Me: -but your generation has already used 饾槍饾槤饾槍饾槞饾槧饾槢饾槒饾槓饾槙饾槑 all up
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July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Me: we can all get along and live in unity
Me 2 seconds later behind a couponer at the store: ok no we can’t
Me: Let鈥檚 invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
New menu item
Shoutout to torpedoes for getting through hardships.
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
fixed it
My husband is taking me on a shopping spree for my bday. I am dressed like I鈥檓 about to run a 5k. He is dressed like we are going to a fancy dinner. I gently explained that he grossly underestimated my ability to go the distance and he better hope his shoes are comfortable.
Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
ER Doc: you know you could have avoided these 3rd degree burns by walking away from the explosion at regular speed
Me: did it look cool tho
This is I, Robot all over again
[music store]
me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: sir, that鈥檚 a mandolin
I was not ready for the 70yo couple at the doctor’s office go from ones concern for the other’s low blood sugar to screaming at each other about talking too loudly. Right next to me in an almost empty waiting room.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Ear cleaning technician sounds like a solid career path. As far as we know people are going to have ears.
When my doctor diagnosed me with squid magnet syndrome I had a lot of questi… [a squid hits me in the face at 900mph killing me instantly]
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
LIFE LESSON: Never do anything which you don’t want to explain to the Paramedics.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I鈥檓 on day 3 of a diet.
NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke鈥檚 at 7