@torrami: A baby came out of my stomach and I was all "weird, I don't remember eating that..."
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@Izianikapani: It's not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
@XplodingUnicorn: My 3-year-old put a blanket over her head and ran around like it was an invisibility cloak, but not for long. It made walls invisible, too.
@SteveSuckington: Wife: [looking at bank statement] what's this huge charge from Clones R Us? Me: [sends group text to 7 other me's] she's on to us
@TheSharona06: Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.