@torrami: A baby came out of my stomach and I was all "weird, I don't remember eating that..."
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@underchilde: [First Date] Me: "So what do you like to do when you're not working?" Her: *Drifts in and out of consciousness* Me: "Me too!"
@George_404: "Why'd you name me Carson, dad?" You were born in a car. Now go fetch your sister, Hospitaldaughter. It's time for tablemeal.
@TweetingDadGuy: Started to feel bad about my life but just saw a bumper sticker that said "I Love My Grand-dog" and I think l'm going to be ok.