A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
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My band in the 80s was the Sex Poodles. We needed Snoop Dogg.
How come you only hear about folks being distraught? No one’s ever like, “I’m good, Bro. I’m traught as hell.”
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
I can’t remember the ending of one single movie I’ve seen since they started selling booze in theaters.
Don’t bore a girl by saying she’s beautiful, like every other shallow creep
Grab her interest by saving her from a staged hostage situation
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
sorry I cut you off mid-sentence so I could sprint after an ice cream truck
*Learns sign language to keep arguing with boyfriend while giving the silent treatment*
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
I can’t believe I live in a world where our only defense against a blizzard is buying extra milk.
So many Jesus accounts…and not one is verified
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
Every history textbook chapter should start with “everyone was just minding their own business, and THEN”
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Saw a momfluencer post where she talked about how she had a “living room family,” not a “bedroom family” because everyone felt happy and safe together in the living room and didn’t feel the need to isolate themselves in their bedrooms. Her kids were 2-years-old and baby.
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
Nothing is more confusing than a perfume commercial.
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
“I’m gonna make you so happy, baby. And then I’m gonna make you real sad.”
– gas station nachos
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”
[Darth Vader sitting down]
DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!
Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord
DV: You thought?
*begins force choking*
You have kale’d me for the last time
People ask me what my secret is to losing weight and I tell them not having money to buy food
Boss: You’re fired
Me: *turns in my gun and my badge*
Boss: You’re a waiter where did you get those