A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
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If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
To shoot someone, never aim at his chest.
Aim at his smartphone.
He’ll die faster.
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
[End of day 1, building Rome]
Builder: We’ve finished, boss
Boss: For God’s sake, keep your voice down, we can drag this job out for weeks
ME: Remember Lake Geneva?
WIFE: Please, not this again.
ME: Those were good TINES.
WIFE: Will this ever get old?
ME: Not a FORKING chance.
WIFE: It’s annoying and stupid.
ME: Those are valid POINTS.
WIFE: Enough.
ME: Can’t HANDLE it?
WIFE: I mean it.
ME: Do my jokes make UTENSIL?
Wait, you didn’t let me finish. What I was trying to say is Hitler was largely misunderstood by people who don’t speak German.
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe
interviewer: it says here u jump to conclusions
me: so I’m hired?
*stranded on island*
*puts message in bottle and throws it into sea*
*years later gets message back*
what’s updog?
*fist pump*
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Our family rule is that if the kid’s costume costs more than $50, they have to wear it to school at least four times after Halloween.
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
me [to snail on ceiling]: ah ure a cute lil guy how’d u get up there?
snail: I just want to die pls why do I have to be so sticky
Bananas either ripen in 2 hours or 2 weeks there is no in between
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Wow, the CIA making jokes on Twitter shows they’re just as human as any other bunch of guys who kidnap people and torture them in secret.
Flight attendant: Before landing, please make sure all small electronic items are secure
Me: *whispering to my tamagotchi* do you feel safe, bud?
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
ME: [finding hidden compartment] OMG what the heck is this?
WIFE: The washing machine
COP: License and registration please.
ME: *hands him $30 in Kohl’s cash*
COP: What do you think you’re doing?
ME: *slides him 20% Bed Bath & Beyond coupon*
COP: Have a good night.