@Mister_Burnham: A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
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@Tommytoughstuff: [I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it] "I'm sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?"
@AnotherFunnyGuy: Her: Dude, back off. You're totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym. Me: You do realize I'm your boyfriend right?