@Try2StopME: A baby was born laughing really hard with it's fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it's tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
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@kwirkyKerri: All these people on FB posting pics of their kids makes feel so blessed...I don't have ugly children.
@slooberbie: "Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe." -me in every social situation
@Reverend_Scott: Wife: "Notice anything?" Me: "Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?" Wife: "You forgot to wear pants."
@SuperRandomish: Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.