A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
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God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
*Detective stands over murder victim*
This looks like a case of…
*Takes off sunglasses*
*Removes contacts*
*Brushes teeth*
*Goes to bed*
[if my brain were a computer]
uhg why’s the calculator app being so slow
*closes math tab to reveal 53 other tabs all playing cottoneye joe*
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
whatcha thinkin bout
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
Wife: [eats hotdog, spills mustard & relish on her blouse]
Me: HELLO TEMPTRESS
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Her: Kids! The moving van is here. Bring the boxes
Me: All vans are moving vans LOL
Her: And this is why we’re leaving
“Those ducking cops will never catch me!”
– dialogue from the action-adventure video game Grand Theft Autocorrect
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Turns out, people will turn around and walk the other way if you hiss like a cat when they approach you.
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Guys, you don’t have to be a priest to shoot a baby with a water pistol. Literally anyone can do it.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
dr frankenstein: it’s alive!
igor: great! what should we name him
dr frankenstein: uh we won’t
igor: idk might lead to some confusion
dr frankenstein: it will literally never come up
Much as I like Guardians of the Galaxy, in real life, I don’t think it’s a good idea to give a gun to a raccoon.
*waits until you fall asleep*
*tests out his new retractable air horn*
People are asking if capes are welcome at #ScienceMarch – yes – but please think of the aerodynamics if it happens to be windy!
Wife: can you change the baby
Me: oh thank god. I’m so glad you said that. Yes, yes I will
Wife: I don’t mean swap it for a new one
Me: …