Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
Watching married couples argue in Bed Bath & Beyond is my Game of Thrones.
Going to church you guys need anything
ghost: boooooOoo
me: you better stop
ghost: what are you doing
me: [setting up ouji board] i’m calling your mother
ghost: oooOooooh noooOoooOooo
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
If a tree falls on your ex in the woods and no one’s around to hear it, you should probably still get rid of the chainsaw.
POSSIBLE NEW IDIOMS:
Quite off your apples
Jumping the night train to Milan
Sequin queen in the salad bar
Lickin’ with the wrong parts
Giddy-nope!
If I wanted baklava I’d’ve brought some syrup
Flamingo laws
Stoplight the conference call
Thwack, thwack, I’m a ruler
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
“Sometimes I feel like a woman trapped in a woman’s body” – Russian nesting doll
I stand right next to the “God Hates Fags” guy with a sign that says “Please Ignore My Ex-Boyfriend”
At this point the delivery guy is at my house so often he could babysit
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Please don’t bother me while I am playing Tetris*
*taking everything out of my attic and then fitting it all back in
My daughters built this elaborate house setup for their dolls, so I went over and threw a bunch of trash in each room to make it more realistic.
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
The performance I give pretending to have never tried trail mix to get an extra sample at Costco is Oscar-worthy
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
Lord of the Rings: A Shortened Version
-Give me the ring.
-No.