the karate policy at this nursing home is bullshit
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I was a far more confident parent when I didn’t have any kids.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
If you want to look mysterious I would suggest painting your cornea with a sharpie. Always works for me.
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Are we sure that we’re supposed to look for a human to settle down with? Cause I’m discovering I have much more in common with this blanket.
Good news, I don’t have the virus. Bad news, I can still taste my cooking.
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
Doc: So, how did you injure your rotator cuff?
Me, remembering reaching for the wet wipes on the back of the toilet:
TENNIS
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
I held up a fist for a CW to bump and she kissed my ring. I am now drunk on power and no one is allowed to make eye contact.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
“The Burning Bush” but it’s just me getting laser hair removal.
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
A guy in the waiting room at the therapist’s office kept whispering they’re coming to get us, they’re coming to get us, I sat next to him and whispered how much longer, I’ve been waiting an hour.
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
*wakes up*
*checks the obituaries*
*sees I’m not listed*
“Well that’s a relief”
What did you think was happening when the #earthquake hit?
Blew my nose…….lost 2 pounds of mucous and got an ab workout.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
*spreads rose petals on the bed*
[Death metal voice] “INTERCOURSE!”
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”