A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
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I’ll walk into the gym eating a slice of pizza so that everyone can hate me…
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
I’m choking laughing omfg 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
Me: your snowman can look however you like sweetheart
2: *sticks arms in snowman’s head*
Me: not like that
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Me: “I peed three times last night”
Her: “Don’t you hate getting up and going to the bathroom?”
Me: “Getting up?”
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
Me: So now you will deep dive into my lore?
Interviewer: Well, we call it a background check, but sure.
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
pulling petals off a forget-me-not but it’s just me trying to figure out if the weather this weekend is snow or thunderstorms
I never thought I’d be someone who complains about the quality of the prosciutto on his charcuterie board but here I am…
Why is it so hard for hitchhikers to say “I love you too”?
I’m like a Picasso. You’re not sure quite what’s going on with me, but something definitely isn’t right.
them: do you think about other people when you have sex
me: when I have what now
Lifehack: Turn any noun into an insult by simply putting ‘You absolute’ before it.
Examples:
You absolute drum
You absolute fridge
You absolute shed
You absolute goose
You absolute bollard
I hate when ppl at the grocery store get mad at you for “stealing” their cart of food. YOU DON’T OWN THIS STUFF YET!!!!!!
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
[naming god’s creations]
mammal 93: [waiting in line] i can’t wait to hang out with you on earth
insect 7: me neither. you’re my best friend
angel: next! insect 7, you are now an ant
insect 7: yay!
angel: mammal 93, you are now an anteater
mammal 93: ya- wait wut?
Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
My mom’s name is Silvia. Her brother is Sylvio and her sisters are Silvana and Silvia Helena. You get a cookie if you guess my grandfather’s name
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.