A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
You Might Also Like
Husband opening his new radar detector…
Me- want me to run by really fast?
Him- what? No, that’s not how this works.
Me- *runs by entrance to kitchen*
If you think it hurts to lose a boyfriend/girlfriend, you’ve clearly never lost close to 500 GB’s worth of data on your hard drive.
Me: {drops lungs at dry cleaners} Moderate bleach, light press, air dry, and fluff before pick up my good man
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
Husband: When I introduce you to my boss, please don’t be weird
Me: Me? Weird??
Husband: PLEASE
[ Later ]
Me, air kissing his boss’s hand: Bonjour
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?
I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.
Inventor of Shredded Wheat: What if you could eat wicker furniture.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I think it’s a bad sign that when 9 tries to play charades, everyone’s first guess is “constipation.”
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
i don’t want to know what five dentists think about a certain toothpaste, i want to know what they think about EVERYTHING. four out of five dentists recommend kierkegaard
[guy who invented windshield wipers] make sure it smudges the part where they have to see.
happy friday
Me: One time I ended up in the changing rooms at a football match in London and caught a glimpse of a naked footballer
Friend: Arsenal?
Me: No, just the front
I’m sorry your baby is crying right now. Have you tried taking it farther away from me?
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
Chihuahua is my favorite pet that is also the sound I make during a bikini wax.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
[getting pulled over]
ME: excuse me officer what was i doing wrong?
MOM COP: you were driving erratically. are you hungry? you seem hungry. step out of the car and eat this alphabet soup backwards for me
“Wait, let me explain..”
SHAKESPEARE: Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
HIM: Sure.
SHAKESPEARE: Oh, wow, didn’t… didn’t think you’d say yes. I actually don’t have anything prepared.
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE:
HIM:
SHAKESPEARE: ur both hot.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*