@NicCageMatch: A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
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@Rollinintheseat: I wonder if Mariah Carey knows it's possible to sing a high note without pointing her finger in the air?
@withanewname: [boarding plane with really old pilot] "think his heart will hold out? lol" attendent: excuse me, sir? "depart out, what time do we leave?"
@heyevergreen: [showing colleague a pic on phone] "NO! Don't scroll left!" My face falls as he sees my erotic photo collection of donuts on plates.