My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
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Caution: Cutting corners may lead to extra corners.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
I am not the person I thought I was when I cut that donut in half.
I fixed the internet, am tech genius
*turned the WiFi router off and on and now it’s working
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
flight attendant: is there a doctor on board
me: i have a doctorate in mathematics
flight attendant: this man is dying
me: minus one
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Naming a dog after alcohol is cute until they run away and you scream their name until your neighbor brings you a bottle to shut you up.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
Everybody: Jurassic Park is a terrible idea and we are all gonna die violently
John Hammond: You have no vision
[Later, everyone is dead]
John Hammond: The important thing to remember is this is nobody’s fault and none of us could have predicted this
my kid used my Netflix profile so now my “continue watching” thread is Murder, Murder, Cocomelon, Murder, Murder, Baking
While you’re thinking what to wear, I’m thinking how to take it off.
God I hate kids.
And people.
And animals.
And sardines.
And stuff that’s alive.
And stuff that’s dead.
I hate stuff.
I like cheese.
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
Wait a minute
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
kinda sucks that there’s only one day a year it’s acceptable to put on a diaper and shoot arrows at people
You know when you’ve taken your glasses off but it feels like they’re still on your head? I’m like that but with pants. I’ve literally just touched my head but my pants weren’t there.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.