A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
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Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
‘see you in hell’ so it’s a date?
Do dolphins have tattoos of single mothers on their arses?
Dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you both get naked and the societal expectation that women be smaller overwhelms you and the shame u feel about ur body drives you to tears
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
My kids keep fighting over who gets to fool me next and maybe that’s the real prank
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I just felt a weird twitching somewhere inside me. I think it might be my liver waving a white flag.
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
I may not look good naked, but I’m a beautiful person on the insi….
Hahahaha just kidding
I look great naked
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
Remember when Tarantino released that movie and there wasn’t a single dog or reservoir and we all just accepted it
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Cinderella is the creepiest fairytale when you wonder what crazy foot deformity she has that her shoes won’t fit anyone else in the kingdom.
“Sir you can’t bring your dog onto the plane”
[labradoodle puts on tiny pilot hat]
“Omg captain I’m so sorry”
[wakes up from a 15 year coma] sweet, x files still goin strong
Gonna swing by church later and see if anybody gave up anything I want.
Wife: did you know the Office Depot is having a going-out-of-business sale?
Me: {sitting on a throne of post-its} I think I did hear that
[Club]
Him: You want to dance?
Her: *Giggling* Ok
Him: *Scowling* Well go on then
My daughter just asked me how to spell bourbon so she’s either asking Santa to hook up her old man or writing a letter to child services.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Twitter: Just chilling with my cat.
Cat Twitter: My human won’t leave me alone.
what the
If both kids are screaming….
….both kids are alive.
It’s science
[COP] license and registration please
[ME] sure thing
°opens glovebox°
°slowly pulls out middle finger°
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?