A bathroom scale that when you stand on it just says “Your body is but a point in space; your life, a differential of time.”
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woke up much too early due to turkeys fighting with some crows
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Because you can’t hang up in person.
Duct tape,
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Kids today are lazy, I say to my son before telling Alexa to turn the light off I just walked past.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[talking loudly on my phone trying to distract the security guard during bank robbery] no no. dunston checks in is about the monkey. jaws is about the shark
where the womens at?
The amount of time my phone spends plugged in you may as well call it a landline
Imagine being in jail for 35 years and Kim K got you out.
Inmate: Who got me out?
Warden: A famous celebrity.
Inmate: Wow, what’s she famous for?
Warden: Uhhh… Well for starters she was Bruce Jenner’s step daughter.
Inmate: No way! What’s he up to??!
Warden: Just go man.
Flipped over my therapist’s writing pad and it was just a New York Times crossword with “shut up” written in every blank.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
Make your enemies super uncomfortable by showing up to the rumble with an elderly friend
[engineer looking at blueprints]
“Well, here’s your problem right here. You built this thing on rock and roll.”
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
Me: Don’t touch your face until you’ve put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
It’s not God I dislike, He’s cool. it’s certain members of his fanclub that rub me the wrong way.
What kind of therapist does a cat see?
A pspspsychologist
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
none of the animals i designed and invented are at the zoo. do they even check the suggestion box
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t