It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
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Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
My dog is doing Saturday right by staying in bed until 1pm and shooting me a disapproving look every time my chores wake him up.
I just want someone to look at me the way that Wile E. Coyote looks at an ACME product.
Overheard on the bus:
“Stop eavesdropping on our conversation, it’s creepy and you won’t get any funny tweets out of it”
When the cashier at PetSmart asked me for my phone number I said it loud enough for the hot guy behind me in line to hear.
I might have repeated it.
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
*beep
TSA: here try again
ME: WTF?
TSA: Sorry dude it was my watch. Here’s your pants.
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
Son: the devil made me do it
Me: what did I say about that
Son: not to call my sister the devil
Woke up with morning Yule Log
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
canadians wear auxe boudy sprauy
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
I don’t care if my kids are literally performing demon-summoning incantations in their rooms after bedtime as long as they stay in there.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
*first date*
Guy: I like when a girl has curvesMe, taking off my Spanx: behold
Him: What’s your baby’s name?
Her: Angel of Death
Him: err..
Her: ..it’s from the Bible.
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds
Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
Wipes away your tears using three precise karate chops.
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat