@oldmanweldon: A bee is willing to end it's own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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@Rollmaninoz: *walks into starbucks* Me: HEY ANY ASPIRING AUTHORS HERE?? SOMEONE FROM PENGUIN PUBLISHING OUTSIDE!!! *has choice of any table*
@SondraDeeMe: [babysitting] *calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it's clean?
@XplodingUnicorn: Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister? 3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
@ReeseButCallMeV: This lady in Walgreens is staring at me like she's never seen anyone put on deodorant and then put it back on the shelf.