A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
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Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
I’m like a semicolon; most people don’t know what to do with me.
DAD: Hugh, please. It’s a perfectly fine name. Stop complaining.
HUGH J’DISAPPOINTMENT: It’s not my first name I’m upset about.
“Hello, 912”
wait did u say 912?
“yup”
I meant to dial 911
“happens all the time”
lol I’m such a goof
“haha right?”
my neighbor got stabbed
what I love in every old-timey photo of women dressing up their cats is how peeved the cats look
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Ice cream employee: I didn’t know you had kids! You always come in by yourself.
Kids: WHAT?! MOM!It’s like she didn’t want a tip.
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
Me: I won’t be needing you to help me work through my problems anymore.
Therapist: why’s that?
Me: I got a dog.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.
I’m going commando for Valentines day. He’s going to be so surprised when I parachute into his yard and blow up his house.
“rejection is god’s protection” ok but from what? Happiness?!?
I thought I Kuwait but
then I Saudi Turkey
and my Bahrain was like
Oman I Israel Hungary
so Iran.
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Son: “Mommy, look, this is how you draw infinity!”
Me: “Yes, sweetie, that’s so smart!”
Son: “It looks like a hiney.”
Are we stopping for ALL pedestrians now? I can understand kids & the elderly. But everyone else should be able to dodge cars.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Get your hero name by doing something brave and seeing what the newspapers call you.
I’m Local Man.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
If the conversation gets too serious take your pants off.